A Confession

Originally published in "A Season for Romance: Spring Blooms" romance anthology

in May 2022

I wrapped my shawl more securely around my shoulders and set my basket down beside a paxim tree. I lifted a small branch to admire the tiny leaf buds peeking from beneath the blooming white flowers.

Trestaine was known for its paxim trees, and the tonic from their unassuming leaves was sought after throughout the northern provinces. Southerners still preferred poppy extract, but even an innkeeper’s daughter like myself knew that poppy was dangerous in excessive amounts. Paxim, on the other hand, was safe.

“Remember to harvest only the middle budding leaves.” Warren’s voice sounded close behind me, making me jump. I hadn’t expected him to be so close. “The flowers aren’t powerful enough for the tonic,” he added, glancing over at me.

I was in the forest to help him and his sister gather leaves for their apothecary.

My heart fluttered as he stepped around me and plucked the small leaves from a low-hanging branch in front of my face. He bit a piece, and with a smile, held the rest to my mouth.

“Taste it. You know it’s ready when it’s just a little sweet.”

I took the leaf and popped it in my mouth. It was slightly sweet, earthy, with hints of woodiness.

“It’s ready then,” I said.

Warren gazed at me like I had said the most interesting thing in the entire province. His emerald-green eyes sparkled.

I blinked. “What?”

He shook his head and looked down. “Nothing. Just … the sun caught your hair and made it seem even brighter for a moment.”

I smoothed my frizzy curls. Well, I attempted to. It didn’t help that I had red hair. It made me look like a walking, fuzzy fireball. “Don’t tease me. I can’t help my unruly hair.”

“I’m not teasing, Abigail,” Warren said softly. He reached between the hanging branches to tuck a stray curl behind my ear.

I pulled away. He jerked his hand back and cleared his throat. I turned and plucked the buds, pretending nothing awkward had happened. Warren followed suit, plucking with expert apothecary fingers. The faint aroma of rosemary and mint tickled my nostrils. Warren always smelled nice, which could not be said for most of the other men in the village.

I pushed down the flutters in my stomach. He was my best friend’s younger brother. I couldn’t think about him like that, even if he was kind, brave, handsome, and … perfect.

If only he were a few years older.

I was almost twenty. He wasn’t even of age … and wouldn’t be until winter came again. Despite everything his glances and words seemed to suggest, I couldn’t imagine he’d want me. There was the dairyman’s daughter who always fluttered her eyelashes at him during temple. When he came of age, he would be a good catch. Who would want an innkeeper’s daughter with hips much too small for child bearing?

“Warren,” I said, grimacing as it came out as a bit of a squeak.

“Yeah?” He was focused on the plucking and didn’t look up.

“What are your hopes for the future?”

The moment the question left my lips, I wanted to take it back.

Very subtle, Abigail. Just ask him if he thinks you’re wife material while you’re at it.

I fought the impulse to slap one hand over my eyes. There was nothing I could do about the blush rising to my cheeks.

He glanced at me before continuing with the harvesting. “You already know, my sister and I will take over the apothecary when mom is ready to pass it on. What about you?”

“I want…” I hesitated.

What do I want?

Warren was plucking the paxim with a relaxed expression, like he was oblivious to how I felt about him. Then again, I’d tried to hide my feelings even from myself.

Within the past year, he had grown into a strong, capable man. I’d always cared about him. But it had bloomed into something more. Now … I wanted him.

Of course, I hadn’t let myself think that way about him.

How could my best friend be alright with me stealing her little brother?

Warren chuckled. “Are you gonna answer or keep thinking?”

I cleared my throat and straightened to feel more dignified. “I suppose I’ll help mother and father with the inn until some man turns me into a boring wife and mother.”

If I survive childbirth with these hips.

Warren stopped plucking and turned towards me, his eyebrows nearly touching his hairline. “Boring? You could never be boring.”

I shook my head and that stubborn red curl escaped from behind my ear again.

“Warren, do you ever … crave more?” I shoved the curl behind my ear with a small, exasperated, gasp. “Have you ever thought of packing a cart and traveling the Merchant Road to see the capital and the other provinces?”

Warren went back to plucking. “No. I don’t need adventure to be happy.”

“I don’t understand.” I paused, frowning. “How can you be so … content?”

His fingers paused in mid-air and he looked across at me. “And … you aren’t?”

His peach fuzz had become stubble just last year; his strong jaw and tilted head drew me closer.

I crossed my arms across my chest. The leaves could wait. “What if I’m not?”

Warren’s jaw clenched as he dropped the leaves into the basket and wiped some of the sticky residue on his pants. He looked up at me with sadness in his eyes that I hadn’t seen since his father passed.

“Don’t leave me,” he said, in a hoarse whisper.

I hadn’t expected that. My breath caught. “I’m not … leaving.”

“Since my father died, it’s you, my sister, and my mother holding me together.” His arms hung limply at his sides. “I can’t lose you.”

He raised his hand and bit the knuckle of his fist while my heart beat fast in my chest. Don’t say it.

“I love you.” It tumbled from his lips before either of us could stop it.

I thought my heart might stop. I wanted to hear those words. But he wasn’t mine to take.

“I’m your older sister’s best friend…”

“She knows,” he said, looking at the ground. His eyes flicked back up to me. “I told her.”

My jaw dropped. She knows? My thoughts fell upon themselves and tangled like yarn.

“What … what did she say?”

Was she angry? Did she feel betrayed? Does she think that her best friend loving her brother would somehow affect our friendship in a negative way?

Warren stepped closer and caressed my cheek with his paxim-stained fingers. “She said she just wanted us to be happy, whatever that might look like.”

I closed my eyes to his touch and drank in his words. Of course, she’d respond with understanding. That’s who she was. That’s why we were friends. Her soft heart always understood mine.

“But…”. I’d pushed the budding feelings for him down for so long, I wasn’t sure I could let them surface. “Warren, I’m almost twenty.”

“I know.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “Abigail, when I’m of age, I will ask you properly. But I will take care of you no matter how old I am. No matter the circumstance.”

His arms wrapped around my shoulders, holding me snugly against his chest. His heart beat strongly under his tunic.

My heart filled with warmth as I returned his embrace. The buried feelings rushed to the surface, filling me with hope … and anticipation for a future I’d wanted but had been afraid to reach towards. I pulled back a little and gazed up at him, a smile playing on my lips. A breeze caught my loose curl and made the tree branches sway. The sweet scent of paxim filled the air.

“I know you will,” I said. “I can wait.”